493 Words About: Golden Goose, the most Useless Card in Lost Kingdoms
Titles are frequently just clickbait, efforts to quickly capture a reader’s attention and then bait-and-switch them with the actual content of whatever work I’m writing. But, in this case I feel validated because even the videogame Lost Kingdoms notes that the card Golden Goose is functionally worthless.
I’m not even being snarky, the card profile literally says:
"Independent creature that runs around wildly, but is entirely useless."
Princess Katia will, over the course of her journey through the realm of Argwyll encounter a menagerie of creatures that can be fought and eventually acquired using magical cards and a “runestone” that she wears on her long ponytail. While trying to find her father who has left the castle to find an answer as to why the black fog is enshrouding the kingdom and releasing monsters, Katia will meet Gurd who will teach her how to fight and how to assemble decks of cards to prepare for the various regions players will explore.
In a level called Yprek mines the player can destroy a crystal during a fight sequence, and once the fight is over they can collect a card which is decorated with a goose adorned with gold and gems. This creature can also be encountered during fight sequences in the level Grenfoel church, and the fights are memorable because this animal has no offensive or defensive behavior.
Likewise if I add the Golden Goose to my deck and use it during a fight it will simply run around the map. It won’t attack, it will die typically after one hit, and it offers nothing in the way of status bonuses to any other creature on the field.
The Golden Goose is, effectively, entirely, useless.
While a great number of people enjoy games like Magic the Gathering, Doomtown, or Pokemon that rely on collecting cards, building decks, and challenging other players in real life, Lost Kingdoms is really the only time in my life where I’ve found the energy to build decks for the purpose of play. But knowing enough people who play these games, I recognise that the Golden Goose is just part of a long-standing tradition/trope.
Every universe has a card that’s effectively useless, i.e. it has no strategic value; the card exists solely for the sake of collecting. The Golden Goose perfectly fits this category. When I acquired the Golden Goose I used it once in battle, quickly discovered how pathetic it was, and then never used it again. I still kept it however because part of the fun of Lost Kingdoms is collecting all the creatures. The cards are beautiful, and I enjoy collecting them even if I know, realistically, that I’ll never use them in battle. It doesn’t matter because the challenge of a Collectathon mini-game is testing a player’s conviction to find every item.
Ultimately, I collected the Golden Goose because it was there, and I wanted it.
Sometimes collecting is just for its own sake.
Joshua “Jammer” Smith
7.21.2025
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