495 Words About: Fighting(Zombie) Nazi Cows, South Park The Stick of Truth
Before I could summon Jesus to kill the cows with a machine-gun, or Mr. Slave to shove them all up his rectum, the cows blew themselves up with dynamite. It wasn’t the most shocking event to transpire in a South Park videogame (that still remains the Jared Fogel Boss Fight), but I was still a tad shook if only because I anticipated Nazi Cows to be more of a challenge.
Then again these were Zombie Nazi cows.
That distinction is important after all.
South-Park: The Stick of aTruth is a videogame that is endlessly surprising and not just because of the writing. The battle mechanics are engaging and fun, the collectathons and side-quests don’t feel forced or hastily constructed for the purposes of content for content’s sake, and the weapon and armor modification options can stand alongside any established RPG system I’ve played. The Stick of Truth is a great videogame, and arguably the most enjoyable component are the battles.
Which brings me back to the cows.
The Zombie Nazi cows.
One side quest involves helping Jimmy the Bard find a flute that is being sold by the local rancher. Once at the farm he informs Jimmy that the flute is in the barn, but that his cows are acting funny and talking German. By now the player has encountered infected townsfolk and knows that the poor bovines have been transformed into Nazi Zombies…but also, Nazi Zombie Cows.
Those are Nazis…but as cows.
Also, they were zombies.
Like I described in the beginning of this essay, this fight is over before it even begins. The players get a single action before it’s the Cows’ turn to strike. Each one will light a stick of dynamite on its body and then charge the player, dying instantly and inflicting a massive amount of damage. On my playthrough the last cow killed Jimmy, and left my nameless protagonist with less than a sliver of health points(hp). Still, a victory is a victory and I got Jimmy his dang flute.
Reflecting on this moment, I feel comfortable that this fight sequence could be argued rhetorically as a Boss Fight. Or, at least technically, a Sub-Boss Fight.
Boss Fights in videogames are tests of a player's mastery of in-game controls, as well as being a meter for determining player progression. Had this quest happened earlier in the game I would have likely died after the first cow blew up, but because I had explored the world, completed numerous side-quests, and acquired better gear, I wasn’t completely obliterated. Shuffling out of the barn I recognised that I had progressed through this game and become stronger.
Put another way, this fight wasn’t just another absurd moment for absurdity’s sake, it was a chance to observe how I had grown since starting the game.
I hadn’t completely mastered the mechanics of farting out darts at enemies, but I was able to withstand the might of four Nazi Cows.
Four Zombie Nazi Cows.
Joshua “Jammer” Smith
8.10.2026
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