498 Words About: Riding a Wheelie, Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth
There’s a side-quest in chapter 6 of Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth where Cloud has to track down colorful segways called wheelies. Just typing that sentence makes me question so many of my life choices, one of them being the choice to complete this side-quest as well as roll around the resort of Costa Del Sol to win the title of “Wheelie Master.” This title is awarded by the way once I’ve rolled a combined 4000 meters on one of these vibrant segways.
I also win some Gill, and npcs at the resort will now gasp as Cloud walks (or rolls) past and whispers, “It’s him, the Wheelie Master!”
Having never completed the original Final Fantasy VII for Playstation, I can’t say with any degree of certainty whether this side-quest was in the original game. I doubt it was, and I’m not going to Google it to make sure.
Despite the ridiculousness of this challenge…I still find something rhetorically interesting about its very existence.
Please, hear me out.
Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth is a gargantuan videogame in terms of the open world players can explore, the amount of story content that is just the main narrative, and finally the endless number of collectathons, mini-games, side quests, and easter eggs. As of this writing I’m well over 60 hours into the game, and I’m not anywhere close to even finishing the main story. All of this content can be paralyzing when first beginning, just like Cloud’s journey. Cloud and his friends are on a quest to stop the super-soldier Sephiroth who’s gone insane from destroying the planet and every living creature on it. Along the way they are constantly distracted and harassed by operatives from the Shinra corporation who are also slowly destroying the planet and causing irreparable harm to the citizens of this world.
By the time Chapter 6 arrives, Barret, Tifa, Yuffie, Red XIII, Aerith, and Cloud are exhausted emotionally and decide to take a day at the beach to relax and try to gather their strength back. The whole chapter is about these characters recognising that the gravity of their quest is wearing them down and they need to find some temporary psychological balm.
So, I had Cloud hop on a segway and bump into every tourist he could. I collected my 4000 meters by terrorizing every hawaiian-shirt clad yuppie by the beach, cackling maniacally and relishing the sociopath that I emboddied at this moment.
Rolling around on a bright red wheelie with the buster sword strapped to Cloud’s back was, honestly, the stupidest image I’ve ever seen.
I loved it.
I loved every second of it.
I forgot about the cosmic struggle for existence, the unbearable anxiety of total annihilation, and just had some fun. The entire chapter of Costa Del Sol is about escape. Trauma and pain won’t disappear forever, but for the moment Cloud can roll around the beach earning points, ogle Tifa’s bikini, and maybe lose a few rounds of Queen’s Blood.
Joshua “Jammer” Smith
12.22.2025
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